When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
it always happen in the shower. or along a long walk home/ back to my "throne room". that abrupt self-revelation. the light at the end of the tunnel. a sudden understanding. seeing the truth. wateva/ howeva u may wanna put it.
most of the time people look, but they do not see. neurologists call it "psychic blindness". it's only when the mind goes on autopilot that obscure understanding surfaces to blatantly scream in one's face.
Something in me seethes and sears and screams to be let free.
i went through all my postings. my entire blog. and found the above line in one of my lamentations. the content of my blog's not worth the pretentious title "siren's songs". "siren's screechings" more like it. wat about "screeching sirens"? the wailing of an annoying fire alarm. sssssqueal. ssssscream. ssssshriek. ssssssssssssssibilance.
i saw.
i saw why i'm so hopelessly infatuated with his blog site. bewitched and captivated and enraptured and obsessed over wat others have deemed "pretty much ordinary". while i've heard more colourful comments like "a tat too self-absorbed" and "you sound unstable in your past few entries" as though wat i've put down on screen are ravings of a crazy, demented girl, as well as received numerous concerned phonecalls/ emails/ ICQ msgs from well-meaning friends, his blog was "ordinary".
that was something i couldn't comprehend. but i saw. i saw the difference. and i see i'm trying to mimic his style - THE style i've fallen in love with. such flippancy. such blatant bending of all grammatical rules. such freedom. it's literary licence to the max.
*
i love it.
it's like speeding now a freeway. whoosh. not that i can ever communicate the exhilaration i'm experiencing now. not that i even want to. it's just another inexplicably unaccountable weird streak of mine. totally weird. bizarre, curious, eccentric, oddball, outlandish, peculiar, queer, singular, uncouth. me. all me.
because i'm in love with his words, i develop this super-duper-mega-incredibly massive huge crush on him.
irrational at first sight. but the facultative bimbo's brain work in strange ways, entirely capable of forming fully coherent, albeit a lil' specious, thoughts.
i've been burnt once too many times, enough to have learnt my lesson well. too often i end up all sad and weepy after yet another break-up. and i hate it, knowing full well that each greek tragedy scale ending's ultimately due to the same old reasons - lack of time together, distance, and such crap.
i'm busy, and so is the other party (i suppose). i need heaps of space to muck around, a space to call my own, a space to retreat and hibernate at times, and so is the other party (i assume). i fly around all the time, for various reasons: expeditions, exchange programme, immersions, backpacking, etc etc etc. wat else other than words and the Internet can transcend the vast boundaries of time and space to bring two lonely souls together? to join a union bent, worlds apart?
he makes me laugh. or more accurately, his words make me laugh. out loud. unstoppable, girly, cheo-gao-lao-sai-ish laughter. some things just tickly my funny bone: "ask those kuku monsters to go eat spiders". wat da? it's illogical, yes, but i really did screeched with laughter long and hard over that line. no, guffawed, over that one line, among many others. he makes me down and reflective too. his unhappiness stays with me. such awesome power does his words convey.
alas, this can't go on.
i resolve to go back to my old style. a style i could call my own. or better still, find some can-make-it blogsite that supports chinese script.
